The Roar of Ambition
(To read this article in Marathi Click Here)
How some things take on importance unknown to conscious thought…
Neil woke up looking forward to the weekend. It had been a while since he had both days off on the weekend. He had made no plans at all. Although it was raining outside, it was not going to dampen his mood while he relaxed indoor with a cup of tea. His wife had to work on both days but she would be back by lunch, and he did not mind having the morning entirely to himself.
Still in bed, busy with plans of doing nothing, Neil heard his phone ring. His wife was calling from the driveway to tell him that her car had a flat tire and she was taking his car to work instead. "There goes my Saturday," he thought to himself as he tossed the phone aside. "Why do such things happen at such inopportune times? Couldn't it have happened yesterday, when I wouldn't have had to change the spare in the rain?" Before his mind could curse Murphy's law, he heard a familiar roar from the driveway. The roar of his BMW's engine was one of his favourite sounds. As he laid there with his eyes closed he could almost 'see' it’s bright blue form glide effortlessly out of the neighbourhood.
Neil's mind raced back to another blue BMW. From almost two decades ago (in another lifetime it felt), he remembered a pale blue car standing at the hospital entrance as he walked into work. BMW had recently come to the country, and the owner of the hospital had parked his car at the entrance for everyone to admire. He could still feel the emotions as clearly as he had all those years ago. The exhilaration of its contours, the titillation of its curves, the promise of its speed, and the despair of its unattainability. He could taste the longing that comes from desiring an object that is well outside your league. He remembered looking at his motorcycle keys and promising to himself, “One day!" It was not uncommon for Neil to make himself that promise. Sometimes, he felt his life was nothing but a procession of "One day!" promises.
Neil was one of those ambitious people, who neither let ambition consume him nor let contentment stagnate him. Over time, the young man grew older, the motorcycle changed to four wheels - sometimes used, sometimes new, and ambition found a balance with contentment. Neil did not remember having a burning desire to own a BMW, but he could remember the thrill he felt whenever he saw one. Unknown to him, it had somehow become a dream, hidden away in a corner of his heart; a corner where he seldom dared to venture; nor let others in. As if acknowledging the aspirations locked in there would cause them to disappear, or worse - materialize.
A couple of years ago, when Neil needed a new car, he naturally landed at a BMW dealer. The aim of an entry-level BMW quickly turned into a zippy little sports model with its distinctive engine roar. Neil was amazed every time he thought back to the day he returned home with the car. He could not remember what emotions he felt or what thoughts he had that day. A stark contrast to how vividly he remembered every single detail of his encounter with the pale blue car from decades ago. Neil remembered his wife being happy for him; supporting, even encouraging him to buy the higher end model. He remembered his son being more interested in the colour of the car than the make. He remembered his niece being disappointed that he had traded his two-seater sports car. He remembered his parents being proud, though his father obviously liked the luxury of a Mercedes better. He remembered the envious looks of his neighbour, the joy of his friends, and the indifference of his colleagues. But, Neil could not remember how 'he' felt that day.
He remembered that there had not been an "A-ha" moment, no leaps of joy, nor tears of dreams-come-true, and no fanfare. It took him not more than a year before thinking of the next car he'd buy. As life went along, it was just another car, a means of transport that took him from Point A to Point B. Don't get it wrong, Neil loved his car. But it wasn't a symbol of success, or pride, or achievement somehow. It was just a car, no different than his wife's Toyota. Then why today, did he suddenly feel like a young man, standing inside a vault in the corner of an old heart, looking at a pale blue blur of metal, speeding away?
The image jerked Neil back to reality. He got out of bed looking for a cup of tea, and an excuse to put off fixing the flat tire. Sipping on his masala chai, he wondered why the sound of his car had quickened his pulse today. Maybe, because the roar of that powerful engine usually went with him, accompanying him on his journey. Today the roar had driven away from him, getting louder as it sped out of the driveway, eventually dying away as it turned the corner. It left him wondering if that’s how ambition worked, accompanying you silently. Or maybe noisily, just that you are immune to its roar. Maybe you notice it only in its absence? Neil smiled, and picked up the keys to the Toyota...